On The Subject of Cooking
by Lillidappler
Summary: Have you ever wondered how Tsuna got rid of all that stress from paperwork? Well, here's your answer. Now no longer a oneshot.
1. Chapter 1

Tsuna hummed merrily as he prepared his meal, which he hadn't been able to do in a while.

It had been a long time since he had been able to cook; ever since he took the position of Vongola Decimo, he hardly ever got the chance to cook since other people did it for him.

Luckily, he would get a break from those fancy meals tonight. He had begged, pleaded, blackmailed, and whined until Reborn let him have the kitchen for _just one night. _

Sparkles flew as Tsuna set out the ingredients for the meal he was making. He had decided on stir fry, since it always seemed to de-stress him the most.

He started with the pineapple. For whatever reason, he had always thought that pineapple tasted good in stir fry, so he had made sure there was one in the fridge for him to use that night.

Tsuna laughed, noticing the fruit had an odd resemblance to Mukuro's head. Ah, Mukuro. The cause for 25% of his paperwork, 60% when sent on a mission with Hibari. How he loved his Mist Guardian!

The sparkles turned slightly creepy as Tsuna _finely minced _the pineapple with a bit more force than necessary.

Next was octopus. Lambo had always said Gokudera had an octopus-like haircut, and Tsuna wholeheartedly agreed, although he didn't say so. Gokudera was the cause for 15% of his paperwork, 30% when he wasn't on a solo mission.

The octopus was _shredded _and thrown into a pan to cook.

The herbs were next. Gokudera had always called Ryohei a 'turf top' since his haircut looked like a bunch of freshly cut grass. Ryohei was the cause for 5% of his paperwork, which might seem like a small amount, but 5% was more than enough to give the most hardcore governor a mental breakdown.

The herbs, which Tsuna had always thought resembled the grass that resembled Ryohei's hair, were _crushed _with the flat side of his knife.

The squid was done now. Remembering the incident where Mukuro destroyed 5 ½ villages on a rampage over a comment on his hair, Tsuna grabbed another pan and threw the pineapple in, feeling very happy with the sizzling sound it made.

Tsuna began to cut up some chicken breast as the pineapple cooked. Chicken reminded him of little chicks, which somehow resembled Hibird, who was ever so faithful to his master, Hibari. Hibari was held accountable for 35% of his paperwork, 60% when sent on a mission with Mukuro.

The chicken was _diced _into nice, little _bite-sized _pieces and thrown into the pan with the pineapple without a moment of hesitation.

Tsuna decided to add broccoli on a whim. Oddly enough, it resembled Lambo's hairdo. The 'stupid cow', in Gokudera's words, created thousands of stacks of paperwork a month, and that was only 5% of Tsuna's workload.

The broccoli was _sliced _into _fine, little strips _that would be able to cook _very quickly. _The broccoli was set to the side with the herbs.

Tsuna pulled some yellowfin tuna out of the fridge. Yamamoto had shown him years ago how well the fish went in a stir fry _and _in sushi. Yamamoto was accountable for 15% of his paperwork, the same amount as Gokudera.

The fish, which had eyes that were somewhat similar to Yamamoto's, was _gutted _and then_ chopped up. _

The pineapple and chicken were done cooking now. Tsuna dumped the contents into the pan with the octopus, refilled the pan with fish, broccoli and herbs, and set them on the stove.

While these were cooking, Tsuna boiled some ramen and put the pan with the squid, pineapple and chicken back on the stove to keep them warm.

Once the ramen, fish, broccoli and herbs were done, Tsuna mixed all of the toppings for his stir fry together, served himself to a nice, large helping of it, and then promptly ate it, having a ball stabbing the herb-crusted pineapple, chicken, fish, broccoli, and squid with his fork.

Oh yes. Cooking was _very fun. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi, everyone. I had originally intended for this to be a oneshot, but I got so much positive feedback that I couldn't help but add another chapter. I may add even more after this, depending on how many plotbunnies I get.  
**

**I also decided to up the rating to T and add Horror as a category since many of the people who commented pointed out just how... violent this fanfic was. I admit, I'm quite bad at judging what is considered violent and what is not. I once stated, merely to note how small one of my friends was, 'You could stuff him in a medium-sized duffel bag.' I didn't realize how... premeditate this statement was.**

**Incidentally, I'm also guilty of using words like 'stab', 'squash', 'rip', and 'smash' when describing what is, in my opinion, the proper way to peel an orange. **

**Ah, but now I'm rambling. Enjoy, but remember that I don't own KHR. **

Reborn idly looked at the computer screen, reviewing the recent security tapes. Oh, hey, there's the one where Tsuna was cooking.

_Thud. Thud. Thud. _Reborn sat up, now interested in his job, as he watched his former student happily cut up a pineapple.

A little _too_ happily, if you asked him. What was his student thinking? Mukuro had a pineapple-like haircut, but this was purely coincidence, right? Were thoughts of him cutting up Mu- okay, let's not go there.

Reborn relaxed as he watched Tsuna finish up cutting the pineapple and move on to some octopus.

_Heh. I'm sure the stupid cow would make some stupid comment about Gokudera and octopus here. Huh, Gokudera? _Now that he looked closely, Tsuna seemed to be grinning manically as he was chopping the octopus up.

_It's okay; he's probably just thinking something very, very funny. The pineapple is just a coincidence. So is the octopus. He's innocent of evil thoughts. _

Tsuna then crushed herbs with the blunt side of the knife. _See? These can't possibly represent a guardian, not even Ryo- ohmygod. Those herbs look just like his hair. _

Reborn began to shake. Was that demented carnival music coming through the microphones? He tried to pry his eyes away, but he couldn't. He tried to close the laptop, but he couldn't do that either.

He managed to do both when Tsuna got to the chicken and began laughing.

Reborn sat there, trying to calm himself. He had heard from Nana that cooking was a great way to get rid of stress, but _god. _This was just on a whole new level.

Reborn took the security reel out of the laptop and pocketed it.

He'd finish up the tape when it was horror movie night.

KHRKHRKHR

"Do you know why I've called you here today?"

"To plan a surprise party for Tsunayoshi-kun's birthday next week?" Mukuro offered.

Reborn frowned. "No, but remind me about that in a few days."

"This," he said with a flourish, "is the reason."

Ryohei scratched his head. "I EXTREMELY don't get it. I mean, no matter how EXTREME it is, it's still just a security reel, right?"

Reborn pulled his fedora lower to cover s eyes. "Just watch."

Most of the guardians were confused when the tape started playing. This was just Tsuna rummaging through the fridge.

Or so they thought. Then it got to the part where Tsuna was cutting up a pineapple, obviously using more force than necessary.

Everyone looked over at Mukuro. He was wearing an unreadable face, not frowning, not smiling, just… neutral.

Then along came the octopus. Innocent enough, right? Nope. Reborn had toggled with the sound settings so you could better hear Tsuna muttering about Gokudera and paperwork. Meanwhile, the squid was shredded and then thrown mercilessly into a pan.

Gokudera had begun to cry and was asking to borrow Takeshi's sword so he could commit sepukku.

Next were the herbs. Wait, herbs? Everyone looked at Reborn in confusion.

"Note the similarity to Ryohei's hair." Everyone looked at Ryohei, and then the screen, and then Ryohei, and then the screen again.

It fit.

After watching Tsuna crush the herbs with the flat side of the knife, grin manically, and _giggle while doing it, _Reborn turned off the video.

The guardians began to immediately complain.

Reborn glared at them. "I suggest that you shut up and quit whining. Do you really want to see the rest of the video so that you can be scarred for the rest of your insignificant, miserable lives?"

The guardians decided to comply with his suggestion.

Except for Lambo. The now 7-year-old was unhappy. "What is Lambo-sama's food?"

Reborn pulled the fedora even lower. "Broccoli. By the way, Hibari 's is chicken and Yamamoto's is fish."

Everyone sat in silence until Gokudera stupidly decided to break it.

"Heh. Hibari's chicken…"

A peeved Hibari Kyoya promptly beat Gokudera until he was a bloody pulp.

Reborn coughed, trying to suppress laughter at the pathetic display. "Anyways, what do you think we should do about this?"

Before anyone could answer, a knock came on the door. "Mukuro-sama, Reborn-sama, guardians-sama, I'm coming in. Bossu cooked some food for you."

The door to the conference room swung open to reveal Chrome laden with trays of food. She set the dishes down on the table.

There was herb-crusted seared chicken, which had tomato chutney to go with it, giving it a bloody effect.

There was pineapple. Chopped pineapple, to be precise. And there was a toothpick stabbed in Every. Single. Piece.

A whole fish had been cooked. It looked rather nice, with the bed of lettuce. It was rather noticeable that someone had severed the head of the fish, though; all that was left was the body of it…

Some broccoli had been diced into very fine pieces and then put into a sort of cheese fondue. It kind of looked like the broccoli was drowning…

A large salad had been made, with cucumber, blue cheese, bacon, lettuce, tomato… you know, salad-ey items. However, one could see chunks of octopus surfacing occasionally in the sea of green...

The guardians and Reborn looked over the food with horror and abhorrence. "Well, I'll be off then…" Chrome murmured quietly and then left.

The rest of the hour long meeting was spent in silence, and no one ate a bite.

They were too terrified.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello again, whoever bothers to read the Author's Notes. I would like to ask why you find this fanfiction funny. **

...**Because I certainly don't. Maybe since I write it, it's harder to find it funny? **

**Oh well. Here's chapter three for those who enjoy reading about sadistic tunas, traumatized guardians and out-of-character characters. And remember: I don't own KHR. **

**Beware of: Extreme (no pun intended) OOC-ness, mild cursing, and pineapples with diarrhea. **

**... You'll see. **

"Enma, my guardians have been acting funny lately."

The redhead looked up from the paperwork he was filling out, interested in the statement. "Really? How so?"

Tsuna leaned back in his chair. "Well, let's see…"

**Mukuro**

"Mukuro's practically a new person. I don't know why, but he now fills out about half of the paperwork he creates."

Enma gaped at Tsuna. "Really?"

Tsuna grinned. "I'm not joking. Oh, he also picks less fights with Hibari."

**Mukuro: What really happened**

Mukuro had been scared shitless.

No, really. He had diarrhea for a week.

He wasn't quite sure when it started, or how, but he was now a bit scared of Tsuna.

Maybe it was that he had seen a pineapple cut up in lieu of his head, or maybe that he saw the chunks of the fruit that had been stabbed with toothpicks.

But let's not sweat the details, shall we? The main point is, he was trying _really _hard to stay on the good side of Tsuna as he now had tunaphobia.

**Lambo**

"Lambo's been giving me the silent treatment."

Enma raised an eyebrow. "Did you steal his grape candy?"

Tsuna shook his head. "No, I'm not sure what I did to get it. But it's kind of nice, or at least it's better to not have him barging into your office at random intervals demanding candy or sweets."

Enma growled and playfully swatted at Tsuna. "Lucky bastard…"

**Lambo: What really happened**

Takeshi promised him a jumbo-sized bag of grape candy for every day he left Tsuna alone.

It was a pretty good deal.

**Gokudera**

"You know, I think Gokudera is trying to break his bad habits."

"Which ones?" Enma gave him an intent stare.

"Smoking, trash-talking, being mean in general, even trying to call me by my name."

Enma now resembled a goldfish.

**Gokudera: What really happened**

He was trying to stay on the good side of his boss who may or may not want to kill him.

He was also really depressed for just realizing how much of a bother he's been to his [awesome, super-cool, number one] boss.

**Yamamoto**

"Yamamoto seems to a bit more… stressed, lately."

Enma nodded in agreement. "Yeah. I bumped into him on the way here. When I told him I'd be coming to your office to work on some treaty documents, he seemed really freaked out."

Tsuna shrugged. "Oh well. He may just be a bit concerned over the troubles we've had with the Hinato Famiglia."

**Yamamoto: What really happened**

Yamamoto had some newfound respect for Tsuna.

Of course, respect is just a fancy term for fear.

And out of this respect, he had bribed Lambo so that he would stay away from Tsuna.

Lambo didn't seem happy about it, but eventually complied.

Oh well. In the end, it's for his safety.

**Hibari**

"Surprisingly, even Hibari's joined in on the weird party."

"Shut up."

Tsuna grinned. "I'm not kidding. He started calling me omnivore."

Enma gave him a pat on the back and a smile. "Congratulations. You're officially recognized as a meat eater. Mind helping be out of the salad-munching class?"

Tsuna gave a smirk. "I don't know. Good little kids like you should eat their vegetables."

Laughter filled the office.

**Hibari: What really happened**

He had managed to scrape up some respect for the previously-herbivore.

Since, of course, there was no way that he, Hibari Kyoya, carnivore extraordinaire, was afraid of him.

So if you saw him wake up in the middle of the night, sweaty and shaken up, he was sick.

Not having nightmares.

**Ryohei**

"What about Ryohei?" Enma inquired.

Tsuna though for a second. "I guess nothing has really changed with him. He says extreme more often now, though."

**Ryohei: What really happened**

Ryohei had decided that Tsuna may be EXTREMELY dangerous, so he should EXTREMELY stay away from him, until he could EXTREMELY figure out what was EXTREMELY annoying Sawada so EXTREMELY that he wanted to EXTREMELY kill him. When he does, he will EXTREMELY fix it and then things will EXTREMELY go back to their EXTREME normal to the EXTREME.

Do I make myself extreme, erm, clear?

**Back at the office…**

"So, Tsuna." Enma crossed his arms and gave Tsuna a serious stare.

"Do you mind telling me the secret to your success?"

Tsuna just laughed and scratched his head. "I'm telling you, I don't know what I did. But it's nice, and I'm not complaining."

Enma pouted and opened his mouth to say something. Then…

_Mmmmrowllll…._

Enma blushed as his stomach grumbled at the lack of things to digest.

_RRRRAUGHHHLLL! _

Tsuna blushed and clutched his stomach, embarrassed at its rumbling.

The two famiglia bosses looked at each other in the eye for one, two three…

"Bwahahahaha! You should've heard yourself, Tsuna! Funniest thing ever!"

"Heeheeheee…. Shuddup, Enma! Like your one to talk!"

The two began to laugh, playfully tossing insults at each other.

Once their giggles had subsided, Tsuna stood up and dragged Enma out of the office. "Come on. Let's go get some food before our grumbling tummies decide to have a round two."

Enma laughed and let Tsuna drag him towards the kitchen.


	4. Chapter 4

**I'd like to start out by saying sorry- I don't know why chapter 4 wasn't uploading properly last night. I'm hoping it will upload today, though. Please remember I don't own KHR, Enma, Tsuna, or any of the characters. **

"Enma, they're just fruits and vegetables."

"But Tsuna," Enma whined, "it doesn't mean that it's okay to just cut them up. They're made up of _millions _of cells. It's like mass-murder! Besides," he said, leaning closer to Tsuna over the kitchen counter, speaking in a hushed tone. "They're technically still alive."

Tsuna sighed at his friend's childish antics. "Okay, Enma listen." Enma stood up properly and gave Tsuna an expectant look. Tsuna pulled a watermelon out of the cluster of food and presented it to Enma.

"Note the resemblance between this melon and Daemon Spade. Now, cut the watermelon up."

"…" Enma fell silent and let his bangs fall over his eyes.

"Hand me that knife, will you?" Tsuna quickly handed Tsuna the sharpest knife.

_Thwack. _The watermelon had been cut in half. Enma grinned and cut it in half again.

Tsuna smiled, glad his friend was able to assist him in cooking.

KHRKHRKHR

Crazed laughter and crooked smiles filled the kitchen. A red liquid had been splattered on Enma's face, bringing out his unique crimson eyes. A tomato lay on the cutting board in front of him, chopped so fine it was useless.

Tsuna would've usually scolded his friend for the wastefulness, but he was too busy laughing as food in pans seemed to scream as they sizzled.

"Hey, Tsuna! The kid asked me to…" Yamamoto, who had just entered the kitchen, trailed off.

"Yes?" Tsuna asked, smiling innocently(?) as he set down a knife bloodied by fish entrails.

Yamamoto laughed weakly and scratched his head. "Gee, I forgot. See you later!" With that, he bolted out of the kitchen.

Yamamoto kept running, a little more than slightly perturbed, until he bumped into somebody.

"Ahaha, sorry. Oh, it's Hibari! Hi! How did your mission go?" Yamamoto inquired, genuinely interested.

"Hn." Hibari replied indifferently.

"Anyways, Hibari, can you do me a favor? The kid asked me to give these files to Tsuna, but I'm kind of busy. Bye!" Yamamoto shoved the papers into his arms before he could reject and ran off.

Hibari looked at the papers with contempt. Sighing, he trudged down the empty hallways, trying to find his boss.

"_Hee hee hee hee hee…." _A creepy giggle sounded from inside the kitchen. Hibari stuck his head in to find the source of the laughter.

Oh. The. Horror.

Not only was there Tsuna, who was currently_ plucking_ a whole chicken, but Enma, who had what appeared to be blood all over his face and was, at the moment, ripping seeds out of pomegranate with a spoon.

Hibari shut the door and began walking away at a speed slightly faster than his normal pace.

It wasn't like those papers were urgent, anyway. He'd give them to Tsuna tomorrow.

Wrapped up in carnivorous thoughts and plots, he didn't notice a pineapple he hated with a passion until he was face to face with him.

"Hello there, Kyo-chan~ I didn't know you missed me so much while I was out on my mission." Hibari glared at Mukuro and passed the papers off to him.

"Omnivore. Kitchen. Papers. Now." He gave his command in one word sentences and then stormed off, trying not to beat Mukuro up over 'Kyo-chan'.

However, a ghost of a smile formed on Hibari's lips as he thought of the future encounter between Mukuro, Tsuna and Enma.

Mukuro just stared at the slowly retreating figure, sighing once he was out of sight. _No fun… _He thought, unsatisfied with his reaction. He looked down at the papers in his arms. _Hmm…. Let's go tease the Vongola Decimo, shall we? _

With a spring in his step, he walked toward the kitchen.

"Kufufu…" Tsuna looked up from his ministrations when he heard a familiar laugh and oddly colored mist. "Hello there, Tsunayoshi-kun…." Mukuro, who had appeared, stopped midsentence.

"Can I help you?" Tsuna asked, setting down the knife he had been using to cut up some tropical fruit with.

"Hey, Tsuna, what's the fuss?" Enma walked over from the opposite side of the kitchen, with a splatter-art apron on. At least, Mukuro hoped that the red, purple, orange and multicolored stains were splatter art.

Tsuna shrugged at his friend. "Not sure. Anyways, is there something you want to tell me?"

Fog surrounded Mukuro as he began to fade out of the kitchen. "Kufufu… Just wanted to say hi…"

Mukuro then reappeared in the bathroom and promptly threw up. _That pineapple had been cut up into really small pieces!_

Walking out of the bathroom stall, he spotted Ryohei, who was examining his muscles in the mirror.

"Kufufu…. Do you mine giving these papers to Tsunayoshi-kun? I hear he's in the kitchen."

Ryohei quit staring at his abs to take the papers. "It's fine to the EXTREME! I'll EXTREMELY give Tsuna these EXTREME papers so he can EXTREMELY do what he needs to EXTREMELY do with them to the EXTREME!"

Mukuro grinned, trying to ignore a migraine he was receiving from the boxer. "Kufufu… Thank you. See ya." With that, he was shrouded in mist and disappeared, only to reappear elsewhere.

Ryohei pulled down his shirt to cover his extreme muscles and then to jog extremely fast in the direction of the kitchen.

He slipped into the cooking area extremely unnoticed, only to find Tsuna and Enma having an extremely good time cooking.

Noting the crazed laughter, he decided that it would be extremely wise to get out of there. Like, extremely now.

On his extreme jog to Tsuna's extreme office to drop off the papers, he spotted Gokudera.

"Gokudera! Extremely give these papers to Tsuna!" And thus the paper equivalent of the infamous 'hot potato' was passed on to Gokudera.

Mumbling about boxing idiots and turf tops, Gokudera made his way to the kitchen, where Tsuna was supposed to be.

Opening the door, he prepared to say something before he noticed Tsuna cutting up an octopus. And he could and did swear that with every strike of the knife, the octopus squirmed as proof _it was still alive. _

Gokudera exited the kitchen and began to quickly and quietly walk away.

Until he tripped, spilling the papers everywhere. Spotting the offender, he began to cuss him out.

"Stupid cow! Watch where you're going!" Lambo ignored him and picked up the papers, quickly reading over them. "Ooh, are these for Tsuna-nii? I'll give him to him!" Lambo scrambled off before Gokudera could warn him.

Lambo looked high and low until he found Enma and Tsuna eating calmly in the dining room.

"Hi, Lambo. What are those papers?"

"They're for you, Tsuna-nii!"

Tsuna smiled warmly and ruffled the shorter male's hair. "Thank you, Lambo."

At that moment, Gokudera burst into the dining room. "Lambo! I've been looking all over for you! Are you alright?"

Tsuna tilted his head. "Of course he is, Gokudera. He was just giving me some papers." Tsuna ruffled Lambo's hair again before sending both Lambo and a stupefied Gokudera off.

…Sometimes, Gokudera really hated that stupid cow's good luck.


	5. Chapter 5

"Do you know why I've called you here today?"

Ah, yet another meeting started by Reborn's overused line.

"To plan a last minute birthday party for Tsunayoshi-kun?"

Uh oh. Reborn looks irritated. "God dammit Mukuro, I asked you to remind me!"

Mukuro nonchalantly shrugged and then began to check his nails. "Oops. Well, at least the doting right hand man is on top of the party." Gokudera looked pissed from the other side of the table.

Reborn snorted and decided to get on topic. "We need to do something about Tsuna."

There was a trail mix of reactions from the guardians.

"Hn."

"The hell? Nothing is wrong with Juudaime!"

"Kufufu… I agree."

"I EXTREMELY agree too to the EXTREME EXTREME!"

"Wha…? Just give Lambo-sama grape candy!"

"Ahaha…. Well, it probably isn't healthy…"

And, not unlike the figurative bag of trail mix, one could easily pick out what was what and who was who.

Reborn raised his hand, commanding silence. They fell silent, awaiting the hitman's next words.

"As most of you know, Enma has also picked up Tsuna's… unique cooking methods. From the tapes I've reviewed, it seems that it all comes down to paperwork, stress, getting rid of the stress, ingredients, and you people."

Pausing briefly, he continued. "I've asked Giotto and Cozarto to visit so that they can help us decipher their ancestor's actions." The six other males began to voice protests. Reborn silenced them and called in Giotto and Cozarto.

The two ghostly forms walked into the room, although they _probably _were capable of floating. They sat down, although their otherworldly selves most likely didn't need to. The guardians and Reborn noted how masculine they were in comparison to their however-many-greats grandsons. (That is, very. At least 50% manlier than Tsu-chan and Emmy.)

"What did you want to speak to us about, Reborn?" Giotto bravely opened the conversation.

"Well, you see, Tsuna and Enma have been cooking lately to get rid of stress. Which is perfectly fine, but it's kind of disturbing when their cutting up food and thinking of their guardians to get rid of stress. I figured since most of the original guardians were so similar in personalities to ours, you might have an idea on how to help us."

Giotto and Cozarto shared a knowing look.

"Well…." They simultaneously began. They glanced at each other with an unreadable expression. "You first," Giotto offered.

"I actually can't condemn Enma for cooking to get rid of stress, since I'm just as guilty. All I have to say on the matter is not to stop him from cooking, or else the food he's chopping up might be replaced with something alive." Cue shuddering due to possibly psychotic former mafia boss.

"I have to agree with Cozarto on this one. Cooking is a great way to get rid of stress- you should try it some time. Just give Tsuna a bit of time each week to blow off some steam in the kitchen, have a little fun, put a lock on the door to protect your peace of mind, and the only thing being cut up will be veggies." Giotto tilted his head and gave a saccharine smile that officially freaked the guardians out.

"Hey, I didn't know you liked to cook!" Cozarto whined and then pouted at Giotto, who just laughed. "Really? I thought I told you that I did. Hey, I'm kind of hungry. Want to go make something? I know a really good fruit tart recipe." "Ready when you are, old buddy."

The two ghostly figures walked out of the room as quietly as when they came in.

"Mukuro," Reborn began, "make sure that the kitchen is soundproofed ASAP. Also, everyone is forbidden from entering the kitchen tonight, just to be safe."

KHRKHRKHR

"Take that, and that, and that, and that! And some of this, and this, and this, and this!" Cozarto slashed away at a watermelon, cubing it at a breakneck speed.

_Shripp. Shripp. Shripp. Shripp. _In case you, dear reader, are wondering what that ever-so-odd sound is, that is the cross between a ripping and a shredding sound that will occur when a pear is skinned with more force than necessary. By the way, dear reader, did I mention that pears kind of look like Asari's head? The next chance you get, give a pear a good look. See that odd bump on the top? Don't you think it looks just like his weird hat upon the head that causes Giotto so much paperwork?

Mukuro shuddered as he passed by the kitchen on the way to his room. "Must soundproof. Must be brave. Must soundproof. Am not scared. Must soundproof. Is not traumatized. Must soundproof. Is not…" His voice died off as he walked away, apparently repeating rather odd mantras.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen…

"Cooking is fun…" Cozarto and Giotto said this phrase quite creepily in perfect synch while dealing the finishing blow to their respective fruits. (Can they even do that, being ghosts and all? Whatever. Now's not the time for logic.)

KHRKHRKHR

"So… what do we do with them?" Cozarto and Giotto stared at the fruit tarts, uncertain of their destiny. "We ate our fill, but there are too many, and it's wasteful to just throw them away…" Cozarto trailed off and sighed.

At that moment, Tsuna and Enma walked in, hungry from a long meeting. "Ooh! What smells good?" Enma sniffed the air, catching the scent of something fruity and faintly smelling of cinnamon.

"Oh! Hey, Enma! Tsuna! Over here!" Giotto waved the mafia bosses over from the other side of the dining room.

"These are just adorable!" Tsuna bent down to admire some mini fruit tarts, only three inches in diameter, deeply inhaling their luscious fumes and then sighing contentedly.

"Can I have one?" Tsuna and Enma asked the question of the day in unison. Cozarto laughed and ruffled his ancestor's hair. "Have at them. The two of us couldn't eat another bite."

Tsuna and Enma promptly dug in, only pausing from their gorging to give compliments, and even then, they sometimes were still eating. "Dis is dewlishus!" "Ooh, is that caramel glazed pecans?"

One dozen demolished pastries later, Tsuna and Enma gave Giotto and Cozarto their best kicked-puppy look. "We want the recipe…"

Giotto smiled. "Sure. We'll have to show you sometime."

**Bum bum bum….! Cliffhanger! (I think.) Anyways, sorry that this chapter was late, at least, for the rate I've been updating this fic on. I blame exams, and global warming, because global warming is **_**always **_**a valid excuse. **

**Anywho, so I may have Tsuna, Enma, Giotto, and Cozarto cooking together in the next chapter or two! I'm looking forward to this. Hee hee hee… **


	6. Chapter 6

Hibari walked into the kitchen, hungry and irritated, among many emotions, after a joint mission with Mukuro.

The kitchen was empty. And when I say empty, I truly do mean _empty_, with sad harmonica music and all.

Hibari sighed, disappointed that there were no kitchen staff to cook for him.

Nearby, a heavy-duty kitchen knife gleamed almost tauntingly. Hibari experimentally picked it up.

_If you want something done, do it yourself._

KHRKHRKHR

"I have to admit, Hibari, I'm pretty impressed with how badly you failed." Hibari gave the eternally blunt Fran a withering glare, who simply shrugged under his gaze. "Just saying."

Nearby, the whole Vongola mansion was smoking, sizzling, and burning in general. The Varia, Guardians, and other notable mafia figures were sitting safely on a hill, watching the mansion go down in flames.

"Hibari." The Cloud Guardian directed his attention towards his boss. "How in the world did you manage to do _this?" _Tsuna angrily gestured towards the blazing inferno.

"Well, you see…," Hibari began.

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_Hibari gingerly cut a potato in half, trying to make the parts as even as possible. He then wrapped the cut spud in foil for him to microwave. _

"_How long do you microwave these?" he muttered to himself, almost glaring at the tiny cooking box. Shrugging, he threw the potato in and punched in the numbers for two hours. _

_Baked potato on its way, Hibari began to prepare a roast turkey sandwich. _

…_.There was no roast turkey in the fridge. _

_Spotting a frozen turkey in the freezer, he decided that he could fix that. _

_After boiling the turkey for half an hour to thaw it, he put it in a pan so he could shove it in the oven. _

…_.It wouldn't fit. _

_However, Hibari was a smart man. He figured that like vending machines or an old television, an oven could be fixed with a well-placed whack or carefully aimed kick. _

_And so he did that. Somehow, the giant 18 pound turkey squirmed its way in. Setting a timer for thirty minutes, he waited, ever so patiently._

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"You put foil in a microwave." The words escaping Tsuna's mouth wasn't really a question, more like a disbelieving, exasperated statement. Hibari nodded. Tsuna sighed.

"Well, that explains the fire…" he mumbled. (1) "Continue with your story." He waved a hand at his guardian, signaling for him to start up again with the storytelling.

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_Caramelized onions sounded good to put on the sandwich, so Hibari poured a bottle of fine champagne into a skillet and set the pan on the stove. _

_Once the alcohol had warmed up, he dumped a 10 pound bag of brown sugar into the pan. Unfortunately, some landed on the burner and caught on fire. _

_Hibari merely blinked as the stove burned, oven exploded and microwave exploded __and_ _burned simultaneously. He walked out of the kitchen, with only one thought. _

'_I didn't do it.' _

_His alibi. _

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_

_Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap. _"Congratulations, Cloud Guardian-san, you've just beaten Bel-sempai for the Worst at Cooking Award." A tonfa was thrown at Fran's head for yet another snarky comment.

"Surprisingly, Hibari is actually the second worst when it comes to cooking in the whole world." Tsuna gave Fuuta a confused look. "Who's first?" "A hint, since she's standing behind me: She ruined your sixteenth birthday with a chocolate lava cake that outclassed actual lava."

Anyone who attended the party cringed, remembering Bianchi's radioactive creation, which not only vaporized whatever it touched, but also _moved. _The Birthday Cake of Doom terrorized the town of Namimori for nearly two weeks before (_thank god_) its radioactivity wore off.

"You know what this means, Dame-Tsuna?" The mafia don gave his former tutor a curious stare. "What?"

"Paperwork. And more paperwork. Reprints of the paperwork that was burned. Repair damages. Paperwork after paperwork after stack of stack of papery work-creating paperwork. Etcetera, etcetera, you get the point."

Tsuna keeled over at Reborn's words, foaming at the mouth. "Is he okay?" Fuuta asked, breaking out in a light sweat. "Yeah, he's fine. Give him a minute or so and he'll be up and yelling at Hibari."

"HIBARI!"

"Oh, speak of the devil."

**A/N**

**Sorry for the long time it took to update. I had the teeniest bit of writers block.**

**Footnotes**

**Foil, or just about anything metal or silver will catch on fire in a microwave. I would know. (When I was young, I put a foil-wrapped hotdog in a microwave. It caught on fire, I freaked, and dumped my lemonade on it.) **

**Thank you all for reading. I had fun writing this chapter since this is so different in style from all of the others. **

**Oh! In case you didn't notice, this story has 101 reviews, the largest number I've **_**ever **_**gotten on a story. So yay! And bye, it's 11:00 where I live. **


	7. Chapter 7

**I do not, nor ever will, own KHR. Enjoy!**

Believe it or not, the Varia doesn't just dump their paperwork on Tsuna. They dump it on 'The Bossman'.

'The Bossman', also known as Xanxus, had come to hate paperwork as much as he loathes all that is sunny and good. (No, I'm not talking about Sunny D, which he choked on at a very young age. Any possible connection is purely coincidental. Coincidental, dammit!)

He'd heard, and thanks to the underground's new hit movie, _One Paper Too Many, _seen what Tsuna, Enma, Cozarto and Giotto did to get rid of stress.

He approved that it got the _Horror Movie of The Year _award_. _

Back on subject, he hated paperwork and had learned of their de-stressing methods.

If you can't already figure out what's going to happen next, I'll tell you that one day, he picked up one of Bel's stray knives and grabbed some steaks.

_Game on, bitches. _

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"You made a movie about _me _without telling me." Again, the words escaping Tsuna's mouth more resembled a statement than a question.

"Why, yes, Dame-Tsuna. It was a smash hit." Tsuna sighed. Reborn smirked.

"How much paperwork…?" "Twenty hundred stacks, rounded down."

"….."

_Smirk._

Tsuna sighed again, resigning to his fate. "Send them to Paperwork Storage Room number 2938014."

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The Varia was currently sitting in a familiar situation. However, it wasn't as funny as last time since it was _their _mansion burning.

"VOI! HOW… you know, just forget it. I probably don't want to know."

Fran nonchalantly leaned up against a tree. "Well, he always _did_ like his steak very well done." Most of the Varia glared at him. He shrugged, not unlike what he did in a similar situation. "Just saying."

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"Oh, by the way, Adelheid will probably come crashing in here any moment now bitching about copyright laws and Enma." Tsuna paled. _That means paperwork…_

"TSUNA, YOU BASTARD!" An angry roar and fast footsteps could be heard approaching.

Tsuna blanched further. Reborn smirked. "Oh, here she is right now."

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"He set fi-ire… to the house… and I la-a-aughed as it burned down." Fran strummed a guitar and made a parody song of _Set Fire to the Rain. _"As it burned, I just laughed as you angr-ily scre-eamed out my name, my-y na-ame."

Xanxus, who was indeed yelling at Fran, grabbed the guitar from him.

_Wham, wham, wham, wham, wham. _After saying 'hi' and 'bye' to the ground several times, the guitar was broken, but apparently not broken enough for Xanxus' liking. _Wham. _With one last whack, Xanxus handed the irreparable instrument back to Fran.

"Thanks." With that, he conjured up a new guitar.

"And apparently, my boss has the-ese things we call anger i-i-ssues, i-i-ssues~."

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"So, how did the meeting go?" Tsuna gave Reborn an exasperated look. "Nice black eye, by the way."

Tsuna flung a coat over his shoulder, angrily muttering something about PMSing women and lunch. Reborn smirked. _If its lunch, then there might be a sequel movie, Dame-Tsuna. _

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Enma stared incredulously at Tsuna, or, more specifically, his black eye. "What…" He was cut off by a glare. "Ask Adel."

Enma furrowed his brows. _Why would I ask Lady Adele? _

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_One Paper Too Many __managed to make around 46 million dollars in the first week it was released. The movie had audiences both laughing and shuddering with the bosses' actions and the subordinates' reactions. _

_Many people who saw the movie claimed to have newfound respect for the Vongola and Shimon Families. When interviewers said they were part of said families, their eyes would widen and they would quickly run away. _

Tsuna squinted at the paper, not able to read it. "Dammit, Reborn, why does everything have to be in a size eight font?" he said, grabbing his glasses.

**I love writing for this story. It's just so **_**fun. **_**I hope it's also fun to read. **

**My favorite part of this chapter was Frannie-chan singing. You? **


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